The Last Time I _______

*This essay is based on my own experience, but names of people and specific experiences are modified a little to make it less sensitive.


The last time I was afraid, I was sitting on my desk, chatting on Facebook. It was a usual conversation, about somewhat trivial and somewhat serious concerns that I had in mind. I usually consulted those matters with my friend Alex. Although this consultation did not result in tangible solutions, uttering the deepest concerns helped me clear things and settle my mind. I was usually the talker and Alex usually the listener. As a talker, I knew that I should be more careful in discussing things: I might only see myself and exhaust Alex, whining and yearning empathy. Then that day, I suddenly realized that Alex’s responses were shorter. He seemed to be uninterested, and he even suspended some replies.

           I cut the conversation by saying good night, and I closed my laptop. I was startled, not only because of Alex’s reactions but because of the question that popped up in my head. Here’s the uncomfortable question: Should Alex always behave as I expected? I could not answer. To be more exact, I was afraid to answer. This question inevitably reminded me of my friend Hannah, and I could not stop myself identifying me as her. As I considered Hannah as a quite tiresome one who constantly craved attention from me, I felt dreadful when I found my own self resembled her. I was afraid that if I was being perceived to Alex as I do Hannah.

Honestly, I do like Hannah. But I like her just to the range that we could share common interest about literature and art, and she treats me nicely. I do not want to listen to manga stuffs that she is crazy about but I hardly know about. I do not want her to interrupt when I am talking with Diamantine. I do not want to hear every detail of her nervous breakdown. I do not want her to pull my cheeks and touch my arms and lean on my shoulders every time she sees me. She is better when there are only two of us, but she gets severer in expressing her affection when there are other people around. I am fully aware that if somebody likes me more than I like him or her, I should be grateful for that. However, I could not stand her constant desire for equal amount of attention and affection from me. I am sorry but I do not perceive Hannah as close as she does.

The relationship between Alex and me is of course quite different from Hannah and me. He likes listening to what I say, and he is also usually talkative when we are having a conversation. However, when I get into topics that he has not much to say, and tries to lengthen the conversation, then his words gets terse. I know that I also do not enjoy listening to the things that I really do not know about, but I still want others to listen to what I am interested in. Since Alex has always been a great listener, I wanted him to always be in that position. I ignored that he is also busy doing his own work, and there are limits in his mind to spare for others to intrude. I disliked the uncomfortable demands of Hannah, but I myself was expecting something very similar from another who I like.

People often refuse to stand in others’ position, or even try a little to become less self-centered. Not looking back what they had done to others, people get hurt when another does the same as they did to others. There are always limits to be followed. Close relationship does not ensure privilege to intrude private boundaries and define others as one wishes them to be. Though many forget or simply ignore this rule as I did, it is evident and applies to everyone. (643 words)